{"id":74,"date":"2010-05-29T01:45:19","date_gmt":"2010-05-29T01:45:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/rhyse.net\/blog\/?p=74"},"modified":"2014-09-27T11:26:20","modified_gmt":"2014-09-27T11:26:20","slug":"victim-of-changes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/rhyse.net\/blog\/?p=74","title":{"rendered":"Victim of Changes"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Warning, if you wanted a happy, nicey, jolly blog, scroll down, you may find one somewhere. This entry is about self-reflection and thought and will not be of interest to everyone\u2026I mean anyone\u2026you get my point<\/i><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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My dear old humanoids. Really, are there any left? I haven\u2019t written one of these\u2026what are they called again? Blogs? Yes, I haven\u2019t written one in such a long time I\u2019m surprised my audience hasn\u2019t completely dried up.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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There are a few reasons I\u2019ve stopped blogging so much. Whereas back in the day<\/i> there seemed to be an audience for it which could in some way be quantified through a comment, or views, or people getting in contact with me, that doesn\u2019t seem to happen anymore. A fair bit of this has to be the fact that Facebook has taken over in a big way, it\u2019s practically the only destination people use on the internet these days (I\u2019m also still amazed at the complete idiots who use Google to get to Facebook. Really, the URL system means you don\u2019t have to remember an IP address. Even crazier, the people who type in Google to get to Google. Really\u2026) Facebook\u2019s notes app is hardly one of its strongest points. It didn\u2019t have the architecture of a blogging system bolted onto it like MySpace did for example. My original outlet, Live Spaces is still going and hasn\u2019t changed one tiny bit in the seven odd years since I\u2019ve used it. The other thing, of course, is that I have caught the Twitter bug. Been about a year and a half since I joined and I tweet what I usually used to blog about there. And you can block me there too!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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So, what has actually happened Rhys?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I\u2019m in University<\/i>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Yeah, so after an elongated route, I finally got accepted into Cardiff University about this time last year. I don\u2019t know how I will look back on the experience at the moment, but I can\u2019t help but think it won\u2019t be positive. For the first semester, I was very enthusiastic about the course, not missing any lectures or tutorials, giving my 100% whenever I could. Then, after Christmas, the first semester exams rolled around. And then it became apparent that my old habits of completely fucking up exams would return. I did think that after not doing exams for a couple of years then getting back into them I would be able to get to grips with them a bit better, knowing what I\u2019ve let myself in for. It hasn\u2019t really worked, I think (with one noted exception which I won\u2019t go into) I got the marks I deserved upon reflection in the first semester. In the second semester I still haven\u2019t picked myself up from the abject failure of my first term results and I\u2019m still carrying that over, especially mentally. A lot is riding on the exams I\u2019ve done\/am doing, (with one left at time of writing) and I\u2019m positive that despite my best efforts this time (two exams went well, the rest have been horrific, which other people seem to have agreed with me on) I will end up failing once more. I\u2019m worried. If I fail and force to go back and resit the first year again, and assuming I get through everything else the first time, I\u2019ll leave University (and the education system) at the age of 25. I\u2019ll be applying for a serious job that I want to be committed to when roughly a quarter of my life is already through. This may sound very negative, but I\u2019m sure there are people who think this way.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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As a result, I\u2019ve questioned myself \u2013 frequently<\/i>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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When it came to filling in options forms in Year 10, I had a decidedly easy sheet to fill compared to everybody else. I knew back then what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a Web Designer (nerds sniggering at the back sit down). Already had it planned out, do GCSEs, A-Levels, do Computer Science in Swansea, walk out at 21 and get a good job either freelancing or working for a large firm. The GCSEs were not a roadblock, my grades were good. If I need to elaborate my A-Level experience, read the previous blog entries and upon reflection my hatred and despair that I wasted two years of my own and other people\u2019s time doing them. Then, there was college, which was a tremendous time. I was apprehensive about it, but academically they were probably my finest hour. The step-up from college to university level is a pretty big one. It\u2019s like the step up to Metropolis Zone in Sonic 2. You think the rest of the game prepares you for it, but then it drops this stupidly hard level on you and you ask \u201cwha happened?\u201d Is it my own fault that I haven\u2019t adapted to it? Yes, certainly. End of blog. Thank you, good night. University is what I expected to be, and a little bit more. And as I keep telling everybody, it\u2019s the little bit more<\/i> I\u2019ve not come to grips with. There is this impression that University is a place where you go and do all kinds of fun stuff, get drunk, laid and have a general good time. I\u2019m sure it happens. It just hasn\u2019t happened to me and I\u2019m not bothered about that. As I\u2019m typing this, I\u2019m realising that because I didn\u2019t know what I wanted out of University and the fact that I was apprehensive about going in the first place \u2013 my game plan was to get a good degree then head from there. Now I\u2019m just not sure. There\u2019s that famous old quote from my Mum \u201cOf all my kids, you\u2019re the one with the most potential. You\u2019re also the one who has wasted the most potential\u201d. The case for the prosecution rests your honour.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I feel lost<\/i>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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My flatmates have been great; I\u2019ve got along with most of them superbly since moving in back in September. However, they have always been more involved with their own things \u2013 getting involved with working (as a result of needing to pay the fees) or societies or doing other things, usually at weekends (they also managed to throw me a surprise 21st<\/sup> birthday party for which I am eternally grateful for). I\u2019m still in Tesco working Saturdays, so I don\u2019t work in the week. As a result, at least one night a week, it\u2019s just me there. Without being unkind to Computer Scientists, we\u2019re not the social types. (As I\u2019m writing this, I\u2019m thinking of comebacks and ways to say \u201cRhys, you\u2019re a fucking idiot\u201d, so if you can\u2019t think of any, you\u2019re obviously crazy<\/i>) I feel lost because the people I used to speak to regularly have moved on I guess and I don\u2019t see or speak to anymore. Granted, people are busy, have moved away, have other halves to keep occupied, working etc. But I\u2019ve lost count of the nights where I have sat in my room and thought \u201cthis is incredibly sad\u201d. This is my own doing; of course, I\u2019ve never been the greatest or quickest texter or adept on the telephone. I\u2019ve always insisted to people that whatever their problems, I will always be able to try and help them out as best as I can. Your shoulder to lean on, cry on, whatever. I just now think I\u2019m that crap a person or friend that the people who I trusted, whose company I enjoyed seem to have gone. If I am, then I can\u2019t change the past, continue to laugh at my predicament if you so wish. I just didn\u2019t think it would happen this way. Hence the blog title (which continues the theme of entries being named after song\/album titles \u2013 killer track by Judas Priest provides this entry\u2019s title).<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I still can\u2019t feel part of my bottom jaw.<\/i><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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This is a side-effect of the operation I had 18-months or so ago. I was always told a risk was that I\u2019d lose part of my feeling if I had it done. It does mean that I get a few awkward looks when there\u2019s some sauce on my chin and I don\u2019t wipe it off, but that\u2019s because as far as I know, there isn\u2019t anything there. I don\u2019t regret having the operation at all. I feel more comfortable about it now, especially since my braces have gone.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I have actually lost weight<\/i>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Most surprisingly and after a long-time trying, I\u2019ve finally managed to find a way to lose a few pounds. At my \u201cpeak\u201d I was 18 stone 6lbs, which is not something I am proud of. That was around mid-March. Now I weigh about 17 stone 1lb, which is on the way to at least getting a pair of jeans I don\u2019t need to go searching through piles of \u201cbig man\u201d stacks to find. I started going to the gym about a year ago and I actually found it a good experience and it was rewarding. I was still going swimming weekly as well, so I was getting in some kind of exercise. Then University changed that. Timetables being timetables as well as finding a gym that\u2019s reasonable to join and doesn\u2019t have people doing particularly judgemental about the clientele just wasn\u2019t on the list of priorities. The simplest thing I did was change my diet around. I used to snack. A lot. Chocolate was my vice of choice. Now, I don\u2019t eat the stuff as much. I\u2019ve cut down my meals and I just don\u2019t think about food. Granted, I\u2019m gonna have to change a few other things around to lose a bit more weight, but that will happen over the summer and I have a bit more time to do it (mainly head back to the gym and swim a little bit more too).<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I have a couple of things to look forward to<\/i>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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As soon as I leave my last exam, I\u2019ll be heading on a plane to Benidorm for my brother\u2019s stag weekend. My first visit to Spain and the first stag weekend I\u2019ve been on. I\u2019ve only ever done long-haul flights in my life (shortest flying time I\u2019ve ever had was 6 hours to Dubai from Heathrow, so throw in travel time too and it\u2019s a fair old journey \u2013 I\u2019m flying to Benidorm from Cardiff). In a phrase: oh dear. His wedding is at the tail end of June and I was asked by my brother and his fianc\u00e9e a week ago (after they had more than a few drinks) to do a speech, but I think I\u2019ll give it a miss because I just know it will be terrible \u2013 I haven\u2019t got any really good stories that I\u2019d like to tell and I\u2019d want it to be a little bit funny. I can\u2019t do funny. Even if I really try. So it will just be awful. That\u2019s really it. I\u2019ll still be working over the summer of course, but the opportunity to go out and spend my wages will be limited.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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This has been a mish-mash of an entry. But, I just wanted to put my feelings out there. Much of what I have written here is open to people\u2019s own interpretation and I\u2019m sure that a lot of it will get either you (or I) confused. I just needed an outlet to put this out there. I\u2019m sure I will regret it. I think I just needed someone to listen or read what it is I\u2019m worried about. My life could always be far far worse, I won\u2019t lose sight of that, but I\u2019m worried for where I\u2019m headed. I think that\u2019s what this is all about.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I may come back and tie up any loose ends but that will depend on how things go. Until the next time\u2026if there is one\u2026sounding off.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Warning, if you wanted a happy, nicey, jolly blog, scroll down, you may find one somewhere. This entry is about self-reflection and thought and will not be of interest to everyone\u2026I mean anyone\u2026you get my point My dear old humanoids. Really, are there any left? I haven\u2019t written one of these\u2026what are they called again? […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-74","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-personal"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/rhyse.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/74","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/rhyse.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/rhyse.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/rhyse.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/rhyse.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=74"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/rhyse.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/74\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":105,"href":"https:\/\/rhyse.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/74\/revisions\/105"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/rhyse.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=74"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/rhyse.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=74"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/rhyse.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=74"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}